Judgement Day
by Pseudinymous
Summary: The Great Lord Arceus, omnipotent being, creator of all, the rightful and one true God of the Pokémon world... has woken up to discover itself in the form of a Magikarp. But this Magikarp only knows one move, and it isn't here to mess around. Crackfic.
1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**  
Dear Lord Arceus,  
I apologise for the sins I am about to commit.

Extra note: I don't normally write for Pokémon, but I do plan on writing more stories for it in the future. I'm also very fond of crackfic, so if you want to see more, follow? ;)

Part 1 of 3.

* * *

 **Judgement Day  
** _A fanfic by Pseudinymous_

\- Part 1 -

* * *

Perhaps it was the crackling sound that was most disturbing, or the popping sound that followed.

But of course, these sounds can be attributed to many different things. They may indicate everything from fire and sparks to full-scale industrial explosions - either as precursors, or as the terrible events themselves. Even a welder might make these sounds as he joins two pieces of metal together. Beautiful firework displays leave a crackle in the air like nothing else. So in and of themselves... the sounds weren't exactly the disturbing part.

The disturbing part was the fact that the Great Lord Arceus existed in a realm where sound wasn't supposed to exist.

Arceus's head turned slowly to the side, and then slowly to the other. It wasn't used to having anything spark its curiosity, as the relative time of the realm had flowed without incident for many _kenes_. But there was nothing here.

At least… not initially.

* * *

Arceus landed with a dull thump in the mud.

This was… Lake Valor, after a rainstorm? Why was the Great Lord here? What had just happened? Why in the name of all the living and dead —

"Oh, hey! Dad, look! It's just lying there!"

Arceus, after finding it could not use its almighty and godly powers to stumble itself back to its feet, turned an eye towards the voice. A child. Arceus wasn't sure if it was male or female — such distinctions were often lost on Great Ones — but it donned a bright blue cap, a faded yellow shirt, a pair of well-worn and much loved denim shorts, and a pair of runners. Beside it stood a tall man with a fishing rod and a box full of bait.

"… Huh. Looks pretty weak already. I wonder if it's been lying out of the water too long?" the man, almost certainly the child's father, asked. Arceus nearly had a coronary.

 _YOU DARE CALL ME WEAK, YOU INSOLENT FOOL?!_ Arceus screamed, mental voice booming through the surrounding forest. _YOU WILL SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE COLLAPSING OF A THOUSAND SUNS, THE FIRES OF THE ETERNAL HELL, THE—_

[ARCEUS has no PP left for this move!]

[ARCEUS used STRUGGLE!]

… Arceus collapsed.

The youngster peered over Arceus's quite unholy form. "Dad, I don't want this one. It looks like it's dying."

"Nonsense!" said the boy's father, giving his child a strong pat on the shoulder that consisted of two dull thumps. "Look at it, it's still full of, erm… _life_. Pining for the fjords and all that."

Arceus gave a pathetic moan, which sounded rather fishier than it felt it should have.

"Let's catch it. It'll be a good first Pokémon for you, boy."

The youngster eyed the fish in front of them with utmost scepticism. "You mean, it'll be easy to catch because you're just as weak as it is."

His father fell silent, with a frown that nearly ended on either side of his neck, and threw a Poké Ball.

* * *

"Really? A _Magikarp_? Oh my God."

The fisherman's wife was nearly beside herself with laughter. He tried in some way to look dignified about the afternoon's catch for his son, but it just wasn't working. How could it, when even his wife was starting to tear up from her own amusement?

"I mean… Charles, honey…" she began. "We can't even eat it! They're all bone! And if the nurse at the Pokémon Centre hadn't _assured_ me that it was indeed still alive, I would have thought it was as dead as that bloody parrot!"

Charles the fisherman receded in embarrassment.

"Benny, you don't have to keep that thing if you don't want to," the boy's mother assured him. "I don't even think it's capable of evolving. Look at it!"

But Ben the Youngster looked at his pathetic Magikarp, which blinked at him _WITH THE WRATH OF ALL THAT WAS CONSIDERED GOOD AND HOLY_ in an amiable — if slightly deadened — manner.

… No, his father might have been an idiot, but he did capture this Pokemon. It was weak and pathetic but he, as an up-and-coming Pokemon trainer, would make it grow into something better than this. He'd show his mother — _all_ Magikarp can evolve into Gyarados, after all. And then he'd use this pathetic fish to beat the crap out of his dad's Feebass squad (which was always touted as rare and unique, but Ben had his doubts).

Now that it was his, and especially since it was his first Pokemon, this Magikarp deserved to be the strongest Magikarp it could be.

"I'm going to give it a nickname," said Ben, ignoring his mother's sympathy. His fisherman father raised a brow.

"Oh?"

"I want it to be strong," said Ben, with conviction. "I'm going to call it Karpados."

Arceus exploded with silent rage. But the fish just looked Ben amicably in the eye, as if absolutely nothing was amiss…

It only took three days for Youngster Ben to discover that, truly, Karpados the Magikarp was in the top percentage of all Magikarp.


	2. Part 2

**Author's Note:  
** _THERE WILL BE NO MERCY FOR THE PSEUDONYM GIRL WHO WRITES THIS TALE, THERE WILL BE NO HOLDING BACK, THERE WILL BE NO—_

-hangs up the phone-

Hi everyone, I'm back. Onwards!

* * *

 **Judgement Day  
** _A fanfic by Pseudinymous_

\- **Part 2** -

* * *

[Karpados used JUDGEMENT!]

From the deepest psychological depths of the Bug Catcher's mind, fear rose up and flashed briefly over youthful eyes. It started like the bubbling of lava and then exploded into the physical part of his brain like a nuclear missile. This was appropriate, because what he was viewing was something the United Nations would have considered equally distasteful.

Karpados the "Magikarp" had leapt into the air, twisted in a way that shouldn't have been possible by most self-respecting three-dimensional creatures, and let loose a flurry of darkened orbs. They zoomed outwards around its body, made a number of circuits while the fish was still airborne, and then rushed towards a Caterpie that was now in quite a bit of panic.

The Caterpie tried to run, but there was no escape. Karpados landed on the ground _WITH THE GRACE AND FORCE THAT ONE WOULD EXPECT FROM THE RULER OF THIS MARVELLOUS WORLD_ , and waited.

Youngster Ben was learning that his Magikarp must be in the top percentage of all Magikarp, and might even be cooler than shorts — even if not as comfy or easy to wear.

When the shadows left the Caterpie's form, the line between fainted and outright dead wasn't particularly clear. Sometimes its tiny little feet would twitch, and its muscles would jerk. The Bug Catcher was horrified. Youngster Ben was overjoyed.

"Yeah, Karpados, that was the best!" Youngster Ben squealed, running up to Karpados the Magikarp the Arceus. He scooped up the fish and twirled around with it, as if it was a very, very small girlfriend. "I've never seen a Splash attack like that, but you're _so! Cool_!"

 _I AM NOT MERELY "COOL"! I AM THE ONE TRUE CREATOR BEING, YOUR GOD!_

"I'm gonna feed you so many poffins!"

 _WHAT IS A—_

A sweet, pink, dough-like substance was stuffed into Karpados's mouth, partly because Ben was too excited for his own good and partly because he wasn't entirely sure Karpados could chew properly. Karpados gaped its lips open and snapped them shut in a manner that spread the poffin throughout its mouth without getting any of it to go down its throat, and apparently swallowed about ten minutes later.

Arceus found the poffin _MILDLY SATISFYING_.

* * *

As the days went by, Youngster Ben and Karpados forged a beautiful friendship, truly unlike any other. As a Pokemon that had been given to him, Karpados sported Ben's Trainer ID number, and was bound to obey the boy no matter how highly levelled it was. Ben suspected his Pokétch app was broken, because it constantly labelled Karpados at Lv. 100, and never showed any increase in experience regardless of what Karpados's most recent victim was. It also glitched out occasionally and displayed not a Magikarp, but some other Pokémon with four legs and a big geometric ring around its rump. Another Youngster had tried to claim it was MissingNo.

After a week of training and countless hoards of dead wildlife, Youngster Ben finally stood up to his father.

"I want to go on a Pokémon adventure!" he announced, with the unshakable conviction of a foolhardy schoolchild. "I'm going to take Karpados and become the Pokémon League Champion!"

His mother, who was washing dishes, would have given anything for the tissues to be handy at that exact moment. After regaining her wits she peered into the sink and decided to drain the water.

Even his father had to brush away a tear from his eye. "Really, son?" he asked. "Benny, I know now that you're ten years old, you think you can take on the world. But surely you would know you can't win every fight? The schoolchildren around here don't have Pokémon like those in the routes beyond do. They're a cakewalk by comparison."

"Fine," said Ben. "Let me fight you."

Amusement flashed across his father's face. "One against one, then?"

But Ben wasn't messing around. "No, not one against one," he declared. "We do this at the Pokemon centre. Twenty-six against one."

" _Twenty-six against one_?!" said Charles, doubling back. "That's my entire collection! I've got a Qwilfish, you know. Level nineteen. You'd be flattened."

"Want a bet?"

" _I'd bet my wife_."

The glare Charles received nearly physically paralysed him, but he pressed onwards anyway.

"Fine," he said. "What's the bet?"

"If I win, you let me go on a Pokémon adventure."

Charles grinned, knowing what the outcome would be. "All right, son. Sometimes, you've just gotta learn things the hard way, right?"

* * *

"I'm not sure that counted as a fight!" said the obviously terrified nurse. "That was… oh my God. _Oh my God_. Those attacks were not Splash attacks!"

"Now who's learning things the hard way?" said Youngster Ben, with a grin that showed every single one of his teeth. "Lucky I had a few Ethers handy! Would've sucked to get locked into Struggle."

The truth of the matter was that even Karpados's Struggle attack was more than powerful enough to handle anything Charles could throw at it in one hit. Charles fell to his knees.

 _YES, HUMAN._ thought Arceus. _BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP YOUR ALMIGHTY RULER._

"I don't understand," Charles stammered. "I just… I can't… how? It was nearly dead!"

"Karpados is just amazing," Ben declared. "So, do I get to go on my Pokémon adventure now?"

Charles didn't see how he could back out. Karpados had well and truly crushed him, and possibly atomised him too. It wasn't so much that Ben was an up-and-coming Pokémon trainer, it was that Ben had, by some freak accident of nature, come into control of the most ridiculously, nonsensically overpowered Pokémon in existence. _And it was a Magikarp_.

Charles's voice fell under his breath. "I… I'll call your mother," he managed, weakly. "If she says yes, you can go."


End file.
